"Without evil there can be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes."- Satan from South Park
"I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. And then I always get woken up in the morning to my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?" - Butters from South Park
"Officer, is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?" Kyle from Suth Park
"I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chickenherpes." Kyle Broflowski from South Park
"I'm a clinically depressed fecal-feliac on prozac."- Kyle from South Park
"Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while still in the womb?" Cristoph a.k.a. Mole from South Park
"Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God."- Kyle from South Park
"There's no sand in my vagina!"-Kyle from South Park
"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." - Cartman (in a Catholic Church) from South Park
"You so much at TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants."- Eric Cartman from South Park
"Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa's balls, dude."- Eric Cartman
"They're not people, they're hippies!"-Cartman
"Hippies. They're everywhere. They say wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad." - Cartman
Cartman: I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.
Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.
Cartman: I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents. Oh, your tear's are so sweet. Oh, yes. Let me taste them. Such sweet pain!
Cartman: M'am, I'm here to check your house for parasites ... apparently, you have hippies.
Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm festivally plump!
Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough. Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them. You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Cartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.
"Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn Jew mouth! You're the reason that there's war in the Middle East!" - Eric Cartman from South Park
Cartman: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement.
Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That's why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.
Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!
Cartman: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.
Cartman: Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can't help but think that he looks kinda' hot.
Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you're jewish.
Carman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of 'Boy Meets Boy' on television, right, and then 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy' comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
Cartman: Excuse me, but I do believe that sucks ass.
Cartman: I don't hate black people. I hate hippies.
"Think about it - it's the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap."- Cartman
Cartman: All I have to do is make people believe I'm handicapped and I get one thousand dollars. It's not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
Butters: We're not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman: I got my period
Cartman: Am I to understand we will not be enjoying any side dishes with our frozen waffles?
Cartman: Lay off the cough syrup dude, I'm worried about you man
Cartman: Ma'am, we're having a Dude moment here if you don't mind.
Cartman: Okay, old people need to be quiet now.
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed.
Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.
Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason
Stan: Wow! Cartoons are really getting dirty.
Mr. Garrison: I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Mr. Garrison: No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people.
"Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing."-Mr. Garrison
Mr. Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL. Evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather--a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains; which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Mr. Garrison: What, I'm not gay. I act this way to get chicks, dumbass.
Mr. Garrison: And, so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a police officer. Now, are there any questions?
Mr. Garrison: A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
Mr.Garrison: And that, Children ... is what you need to know about the facts of life. So lets review, Tootie left in the 4th season, but Blair & Jo stayed on and got husbands leaving the 5th & 6th seasons hideously stagnant
Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven, that's fucking stupid.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him. It definitely worked for every woman I've ever met.
Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football. Be naughty with the football. Mmmm, spank it. Ever so gently. Spank it. Oh, uh, sorry, children.
Butters: I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid.
Butters: At least we have assholes, you dumb girl.
Butters: I have to get to South Park. If you give me a ride, I can pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.
Butters: Where I go, destruction will follow.
Butters: Wow. A present before my birthday? My birthday's on September 11th!
Wendy: Oh no, that's okay, Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge, gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.
Uncle Jimbo: So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.
Uncle Jimbo: Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hardcore porn and he'll snap right out if it.
Token: And when the woman has 4 penises in her, and then stands above the guys and pees on them, is that love making? Five midgets beating a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that love making?
Terrance: I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you're perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer.
Terrance: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Saddaam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?